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When it came time to buy a new vehicle for our family we researched different mini-vans, weighed the pros and cons of different brands and looked for the features we wanted. When we finally decided we went into the dealership signed all the papers, paid the first payment and the car dealer said, “All right, have a good day.” He didn’t give us the keys to the van.

“Oh, yeah, you have paid for the van but we’re not sure if you are actually going to get the van.” he said. “We’ll call you and let you know if it works out.”

“What about our money?”

“Well we keep the money whether we get you a van or not, bye, have a good day!”

What kind of deal would that be? I know I wouldn’t sign-up.

But that is kind of what it was like when we signed-on for IVF, except the stakes were much higher, we were talking about a baby…our future baby. I know now they have cost sharing programs where you pay for 3 cycles and if it doesn’t work you get a portion of the payments back (which I highly recommend) but these programs were just coming out when we did IVF 10 years ago.

How do you decide to go forward with a decision like that? How can you weigh the pros and cons? How can you prepare yourself for it not to work and be left with empty arms and an empty bank account? There are thousands of couples out there like that, right now. They went for it, it didn’t work and now they are left broken-hearted and with a huge hit financially. Really huge in some cases.

We were there, initially. Our first three tries with IVF ended in miscarriage or didn’t take. AND we were working with a surrogate so there were added costs. After thousands and thousands of dollars we didn’t “get” a baby. So we were there. It was heartbreaking. For us we pressed on, chose adoption and then years and years later after saving up again tried IVF one more time and it did work. But it doesn’t always. And it is not always an option. You may even have a friend or relative that went this route and has never said anything about it. They suffer in silence and still do not have any children.

It is not an easy choice. Would you regret it more if you never tried? Would you be more disappointed not knowing if it might have worked? There is no right answer for everyone. If you tried and it didn’t work how have you been able to cope? Are there any other options for you or have you “decided” to live childfree after infertility? Any words of encouragement for those trying to decide?

-Cindy

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