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On this day, January 17th, 11 years ago Jacob continued to get worse.  It was a Wednesday and the doctors were at his bedside constantly,  administering epinephrine to get his blood pressure up.  Because his kidneys were shutting down there was all kind of fluid in his body.  Because of all the fluid his lungs had to work extra hard.  And his heart, his good heart the size of your fingertip, had to work twice as hard to move all that blood around his puffy body.

Although we had heard it before, the doctors said again it didn’t look like he would make it through the day.  We called our families, we called our pastor, we arranged to have a special baptism service for him that afternoon.

We still had not been able to hold him, not even once.  With our oldest it was a week before we could hold him and then it was just for a few minutes but Jacob had never been stable enough o be removed from his incubator, even for a moment.  We held the baptism service right at the side of his incubator.  Although I was raised to believe that baby baptism was not necessary (our church did baby dedications), I thought that every blessing he could get would help comfort me if we did loose him.

At this point, looking at my son all puffy and skin darkened from the lack of circulation I began to wonder if we were doing nothing but prolonging his suffering. Maybe it was time to let him go.  Maybe it was time to let him have some relief and if I couldn’t hold him, he could be held by Jesus in heaven.  But then I though about how our oldest had fought through some of the same struggles and survived.  What if we had given up on him?  Medically speaking I knew what we were dealing with here was much more severe but I wanted to know in my heart that we did EVERYTHING to save him.

That night I stayed at his bedside and by morning he had improved…(to be continued.)

-Cindy

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