Before your next holiday gathering jot down 5 questions you think people may ask (and maybe who is most likely to ask them) and have some set answers ready to go. So when Aunt Millie watches all the nephews and nieces running around and asks, “So, when are you two gonna add some kiddos to this mix?” you can decide if Aunt Millie is one of the people you want as part of your support system or not. This way you will be more prepared and less likely caught off guard. You can answer with a simple answer of, “Well, thank you for your concern we’ll be sure to let our friends and family know when we have a little one on the way.” Decide early how much information you want to share and with whom. Sometimes general answers are good enough for those that just say the first thing out of their mouths where as a more detailed answer (“Well, we really want to be parents but it is taking longer than we hoped. We believe their may be some medical concerns we are looking into.”) may open up conversations with family members that may be able to provide some emotional support.
RESOLVE has a few fact sheets with helpful guidelines for coping with the holidays one is as follows:
“Tips for Coping with the Holidays
Attending Holiday Parties
DO: Be selective about accepting invitations to parties and holiday celebrations, especially the ones at which you know there will be a lot of children or pregnant women. Remember: you don’t have to say yes.
DON’T: Feel guilty about not participating in all the traditional family events. You’re going through a difficult time, and you need to concentrate on helping yourself and your partner get through the holidays.
Visiting Family and Friends
DO: Plan to spend time with couples or friends who don’t have children if family festivities are too much to bear this year. Consider arriving just in time for the holiday dinner, rather than the night before if you find it painful to be around your young nieces, nephews and cousins.
DON’T: Rely completely on family traditions to fulfill your present needs.
DO: Spend time doing things you like best.
- Prepare a spectacular meal, take long walks, go horse-back riding or jogging, or curl up by a fire with a good novel.
- Plan a special trip just for you and your partner: a ski weekend, or a few nights at a cozy country inn. You may have to put up with comments like, “How can you be so selfish?” or “The holiday won’t be the same without you.” But those remarks may be easier to bear than a holiday table packed with children.
- Begin your own family traditions: a special ceremony or ritual that says that you and your partner are already a family, and that you can rejoice in your love for each other, with or without children.
DON’T: Pretend that there’s nothing wrong and carry on with “business as usual.”
Sharing Your Feelings
DO: Decide in advance how you will handle difficult and insensitive questions.
- You may even want to rehearse your answers. (You can decide to be honest with friends and relatives as to why you can’t join certain celebrations and traditions which are just too painful right now.)
- Express your appreciation to friends and relatives who have given you their love and support. Be sure to keep in close contact with your friends at RESOLVE; many of them are in the same boat and can understand and offer the support that perhaps your family cannot.
DON’T: Be caught off guard by unexpected or embarrassing questions about your plans for having a family. Plan your responses, but don’t feel that you have to disclose all the details of your situation either!
Lending a Helping Hand
DO: Try to help others in need. Visit an elderly or bed-ridden relative; volunteer at a hospital or nursing home; or participate in a holiday program to help the homeless. Cheering up other victims of the holiday blues has a rejuvenating effect.
DON’T: Close yourself off to positive feelings and new experiences. You may find that you have a special ability to make others feel good, even though you’re not feeling upbeat yourself.
Staying Tuned-in to Your Partner’s Needs
DO: Set aside time to share your feelings with each other.
- Allow yourself to feel sad, deprived or depressed. Infertility is a major life crisis, and you are entitled to those feelings. Talk with each other about your feelings. Your partner may be able to help you through the rough times.
- Give yourself, and each other, frequent pats on the back for making it through the holidays. Remember to capture the “spirit” in each holiday which makes it special. Participate in activities which bring meaning to you at this time; create the joy intended in celebrating the holiday for its own sake.
DON’T: Get caught up in the whirlwind of the holidays and forget about each other. You need each other’s comfort more than ever.”